You Might Also Like
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Genius idea!!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.