I think my mom just blocked me
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*