I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over