how much does a mortician urn in a year
You Might Also Like
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.