Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.