I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
some things should go without saying
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam