Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Fidel Castro was alive?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo