I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.