Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I will never stop laughing at this
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.