Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
😍😂🥰😂😍
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]