Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
i dont have time for this
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart