If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.