The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school