What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK