🚲+physics = winner
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My patience has stretch marks.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My Sentiments Exactly
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.