ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
get you a girl who
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My blood type is b hungry.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.