Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Siri: Retweet me.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?