If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
buys donuts instead
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”