Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My neck my back my allergy attack
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.