Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download