Me as a therapist: omg same
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.