You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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Close call…
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
inventing words: clothing
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.