Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Noah
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
huge if true: the moon
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure