It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
From Facebook just now…
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”