I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.