*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I feel it
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?