[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.