Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid