I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.