“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.