Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
How to make infinite energy.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.