My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
You Might Also Like
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??