Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.