“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
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dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
OMG 🤣🤣
Important
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
a badder mouse
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.