I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You Might Also Like
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
When they try to steal your moment.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
mathematically impossible
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.