Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave