Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay