*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.