Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Look at this
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!