Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My favorite farside!!
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
boat question
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?