You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
my mind
You just read my mind