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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Merry Christmas
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.