Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.