6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
everyone has that one prude friend
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.