Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist