“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*