Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Isn’t
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?