Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You Might Also Like
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
A family that plays together cheats.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..