me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle