The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Lmaoo 😂
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
79.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.